Call of Duty: Splinter Cells
by TranslucentChick
Summary: The heroic story of two brave agents.


Cock of Duty: Splinter Cells

Castor Oil and American Archery were going on their mission together. Archer looked in the mirror and greased his American hair with his American brand, Americum (TM). "Archer, we are going on a mission. There is no time for greasing nasty American hair." Kestrel Russianed at Archer. Archer continued combing back his sexy manly American hair and gazed at his babely American face in the American mirror that he specifically imported from America. "Yeah man, whatever chief." Archer snickered at Kestrel in a dickly way. "Typical American." Kestrel shook his ugly gruff Russian face. "You know what I think RUSKIE,..." Archer started. "No." Kestrel replied. Archer ignored him. "I think you're a fuckin' evil double agent working for the Motherland! So don't push your luck KRESTRAL!" Archer buffled in Kestrel's face. "It's Kestrel, hooyesos." Kestrel replied Russianly. "I don't care about your 'who pesos.'" Archer Americanned. Kestrel rolled his goggles and ignored the Americunt. They finally arrived at their destination.

"Archer, Kestrel, you've got to disable that nuclear warhead from the EVIL RUSSIANS!" Said the Third Echelon speaker. "No problem boss. I can take care of it myself, in my sleep." Archer cocked off. "Hooyesos, quiet down, we'll be spotted." Kestrel cautioned. "Fuck off chief." Archer angered then preceded to walk right into enemy arms. The enemy strangled Archer. "Where is your Russian traitor friend, American?" The enemy asked. "Pff, I don't need that Commy asshole." Archer attempted to break free of the enemy grasp but the enemy just strangled him and he fell to the floor. Kestrel just loled at the Americunt. Kestrel Russianly Russian Rushed the Russians in a Rash Fascist way. "Yo chief, help me out." Archer coughed. "Ok." Said Kestrel, and he charged up his defibrillator and shoved it right on Archer's nips. Archer screeched and he suit ripped to reveal his hot manly American pectorals. "Fucking shit Krestral!" Archer screeeeeeeeeeched. "Be still hooyesos." Kestrel crooned. Suddenly moar guards appeared. Archer and Kestrel suddenly went teamwork apeshit mode and mowed everyone down. "Hah. My leadership skills got us out of that pickle." Archer proudly stated Americanly. Kestrel punched Archer in the face. "HAH! I knew you were a goddamn evil communist! Your goddamn Splinter Cell color is RED for EVIL!" Archer heroically stated. "Come at me hooyesos." Kestrel beckoned Archer to fight him. "AND I LOOKED UP WHAT THAT MEANS ON MY SMARTPHONE!" Archer raged at Kestrel and lunged at him. They had a fight. Then suddenly Third Echelon handler spoke. "GENTLEMEN. You have failed the mission. Report back to base immediately." Archer and Kestrel stopped fighting and reluctantly waddled back to their space ship.

Archer and Kestrel sat on opposite ends of their airplane. Kestrel entertained himself by playing with his Russian nesting dolls that all either looked like bears or czars. Archer entertained himself by pulling out his Vintage Collector's Action Figures: Archer and Kestrel (TM). He also had a Sam Fisher (C) Gold Edition Action Figurine. He picked up the Archer and Kestrel dolls. He waved his Kestrel doll around, "Look at me, I am so mighty and Russian...oh no! I've been shot down!" Archer smashed the Kestrel doll on the ground. "Oh, silly Communist, only true American patriots can save the day." Archer grabbed his Archer doll and heroically swatted at the invisible enemies. "Oh thank you Archer, you are the greatest man alive; I am nothing but a filthy Ruskie hooyesos compared to your manly studly sexy American body!" said the Kestrel doll. "Why thank you, you slobbering fuck." smiled the Archer doll. Archer picked up his Sam Fisher doll and made it walk over to his Archer and Kestrel dolls. "Wow, Archer, you are amazing. I could use someone like you on missions." monotoned the Sam Fisher doll. "Heh, thanks old geezer." Archer made the Archer doll do a thumbs up. "Come on Archer, let's get out of here. In fact, why don't you lead this super important mission." The Sam Fisher doll commanded. "No problem pops." Snickered the Archer doll and the Sam Fisher and Archer dolls both hopped away. "What about me?" Asked the Kestrel doll. "Go fuck yourself loser." Said the Archer doll while flipping off the Kestrel doll..."Are you done yet hooyesos?" Asked the real Kestrel who was standing behind the real Archer the whole time. "WOA WTF!" Archer quickly hid his dolls. "HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN CREEPING BEHIND ME RUSKIE NOT COOL!" Archer buffled. "Long enough." Said Kestrel while stealing Archer's Kestrel doll. "Why do you have this?" Kestrel asked. "UH..." Archer stuttered, but it was ok because the plane started crashing. "AGH WTF IS HAPPENING?!" Archer scremed. "Damn enemies shot our pilot!" Kestrel return scremed. Kestrel flew across the airplane to the cockpit and ripped the dead pilot out and saved the plane. "YEAH! Way to go Kestrel!" Archer cheered, then took it back, "I mean..you should have done it earlier commy!" He crossed his arms. "You said my name right Archer." Kestrel said. "You...you said Archer." Said Archer. They both stared into each other's goggles AND RIPPED EACH OTHER'S CLOTHES OFF AND BEGAN TO BUTTSECKS WITH THE SPLINTERS. "FUCK ME YOU DIRTY COMMY!" Archer moaned. "FUCK ME IN THE COCKPIT YOU COCKY AMERICAN WITH BIG COCK." said Kestrel. Unfortunately because Kestrel was too busy fuckling Archer, the plane went down and they blee up.

The End.


End file.
